Hello again.
How are all of you? I hope better than some. And better than me.
My birthday was two days ago.
Yes I'm now officially one year from legally drinking!
(Not that I will though. -_-; )


It's weird though you know, in high school no one really noticed my birthday much except...well...except my best friend. She would always smile and wish me a "Happy Birthday" and her smile was always so warm and sincere. On the evening of my birthday, it was while I was doing dishes, the breeze was cooling the house, and I could swear my nose caught her sent. I nearly dropped the dish and without warning the tears fell. Because you never really know how much you miss someone until they’re gone.
I caught my-self though, I always do. Wipe away the tears. Resume washing.
I sent her a small email later, just to see how she was doing.

This year was no different, again she wished me a "Happy Birthday" save for this time...there were no exchanged smiles.


Even now I can't help her, she's not doing well but there isn't anything I can do for her. And I suspect she may not want my help after the crap I did to her. Yet I still want to. Kristy, to me, was like the sister I never had that I could actually talk to. She was family and even through now she is still my sister, even if I am not. We may fight over stupid things, (mostly my stupid things) but in the end I still love her and I would still be here for her. I guess that's what I really wanted her to know. What I should of told her.
Though I'm sure she won't be reading this, there was so much that summer I wanted to tell her. So much we never talked about, problems we never really resolved. She gave me the chance to talk, but I didn't, I couldn't. The timing was bad, but even still I should have at least tried. Quite honestly, I’ll admit, I had a problem. You see I’m my own biggest critic. Where some look in the mirror and wonder if they’re beautiful enough, I’m constantly questioning whether I’m good enough. It’s a terrible habit I knew I must break because with it came loss of trust too easily, and very rash impulses. Both I displayed to a T. I wanted so badly so prove that I was worthy of being called Kristy’s best, that I forgot it didn’t matter to the world, so as long as I was there for her. And now I fear I have failed in all. So all that stress in wanting to “better my-self” was worthless in the end. I knew what I feared the most, the silence, knowing that are day together were coming to an end, I knew, and I should have known that she was going through that same pain. But I was grief blinded. In addition to that it was also me cased another great fear of mine that I tried so desperately to avoid. I fear my voice no longer reaches her the way it used to. Isn’t that ironic? Ha.




I know this was probably supposed to a bit more of an upbeat journal, but wasn’t meant that way, sorry. I not trying to for a “woe-is- me- tangent”, I just have drifted off my goals a lot lately in past months, and had many breakdowns of my own. And that email response from her along with remembering what I lost has me thinking a lot.
I still find it funny with as much distance as there seems between us, we still seem the faintest connected somehow.

Take it from someone who knows; don't act upon rash impulses, don't be so quick to say or write things until you understand why.
Cherish those who you can call best friend. It's strange for me now when someone asks me who my best friend is, because I have to actually pause and wonder, "Have I lost mine?" Don't lose your best friend and don't take them for granted. Or you may quite rightly lose the best person in the world.


I was one of the few friends she could count on, and I took that away.
Though I want to be able to so the same as another I know, to think back on their best friend and smile. I only hope that someday she can forgive me and do the same when she wonders, “Who was that dark haired child?”

For me, she can never be forgotten.

But for the present, I’ll simply leave these thoughts here and as my fortune said “start that long journey with the first step toward the future.”
Just getting my life back together.